Just not Kricketot

So, a couple of weeks ago, I announced my decision to compete in the 2013 Spring Friendly. It must be said, I didn’t take it hugely seriously, not even bothering to make sure my team were carrying sensible held items. 

Still, that seemed like an incredibly nerdy thing to say, so I’m just going to admit- I was just having a look. I wasn’t going to win, in fact my personal target was to find just one unlucky sap in the entire world who was worse than me.

Guess what- I found them.

A male character by he name of Joel, no location given, succumbed to my efforts. I was overjoyed, and celebrated by losing four matches in succession before retiring from the tournament so that I could stop sitting in my chair next to the wireless booster and actually relax and play some pokemon.

There were a few things I learnt, like holding berries is far more useful than holding, say, a Lucky Egg. Also, a male character called Romance had an all-shiny team and I don’t care that he beat me, that’s awesome.

I also learnt that using legendaries is fair game, even though they’re all stupidly powerful and it’s no fun winning with them.

I have legendary pokemon. They tend to sit in my computer utterly unused. They take the fun out of the game.

Yes, when I was a kid and I could hide in my room for two weeks and emerge champion of all Kanto, owning Mewtwo was pretty neat. Now, I spend months carefully selecting and training my team, so there’s no real reason for me to do a ridiculous reshuffle just to include a Cobalion I don’t even need.

The internet doesn’t agree with me. I have three Keldeos, if you must know- I just choose not to use them. Repeatedly using Sacred Sword doesn’t make you a pokemon master. It makes you boring.

As I slumped in my uncomfortable chair, radio waves pulsing through my body, I had a single miserable thought: it’s just not cricket.

I imagine everyone who plays pokemon imagines every other trainer thinks like them. Does every other trainer get their heart broken? I hope not.

The lazy way of doing things certainly isn’t epidemic- but it’s there. Two of the six trainers I battled included a legendary in their lineup. To be honest, I slightly respect the guy who had the Keldeo- my three are all low level, and I intend to use them eventually, but only when I’ve figured out what team I’ll build around them.

I know you’re allowed to use Kyurem- but there’s nothing poetic about that. Congratulations, you’ve managed to catch a pokemon that pretty much every other trainer on the face of the earth also has. It’s also stupidly powerful, thanks to how ridiculous nearly everything in gen V is.

I know I’m sulking. But I came a noble 4306th out of 6608. That, at least, I can hold on to. some people definitely did worse- people with better avatars than mine, people who aren’t first-timers and rubbish at this sort of thing. I’m sorry if that’s you- I think I just figured I should quit while I was ahead. Or, at least, not too far behind.

I don’t know if I’ve caught Kyurem or not. It could be sitting in my PC or terrorising Unova- it doesn’t matter to me.

What does matter is that I found my LeafGreen cartridge under my bed. I’m going back to New Bark Town.

Coming soon- adventures in Kanto! What starter will Sach pick? Will they bother using an emulator to revisit gen I? Will they finally catch Kangaskhan after all these miserable years? Find out… soon…

Memory Link of a different kind

So. Casually browsing Huffpost, because it’s my favourite source of bad journalism, when I stroll across this little beauty:

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/05/17/gamer-plays-with-same-pokemon-11-years_n_3291429.html?icid=maing-grid7%7Cukt1%7Cdl13%7Csec3_lnk4%26pLid%3D180196_ukt2

It tells the story of a man who has been using the same pokemon for 11 years. Now, having used the same pokemon since Ruby and Sapphire came out (10 years), I was a touch sceptical. Appropriately, it’s a Sceptile.

Reading on the guy’s actual blog, he knows his stuff. He’s certainly not claiming to have the oldest living pokemon, nor is he saying that Fire Red came out in 2002, as Huffpost claim. (This, by the way, is what happens when you don’t pay your writers, Huffpost.)

In fact, it’s just a charming little story about pokemon companionship, the real reason why adult pokefans pity kids today. I grew up with Skeptyleia- Don’t criticise the name, I was eleven years old – and even though he’s not my best pokemon, he is my oldest.

He’s not been quite the star that Cunzy11’s Dactylocer has. He’s not had any children, and he’s only recently cracked level 60, because he’s a grass type and I don’t see the point. Still, I wouldn’t have kept him if I wasn’t attached to him.

For anyone who doesn’t play pokemon, the bond between a player and a bunch of ones and zeros can be a little tricky to understand. I know Skeptyleia isn’t real. I know he’s not a very good pokemon. Still, that doesn’t matter.

I was eleven years old. I had a different name. I used to sit up all night, using a lit screen magnifier to sit playing in the dark without rousing the suspicions of my parents. Skeptyleia may just be a bunch of ones and zeros, but he’s a link to a child I used to be, half a lifetime ago.

Skeptyleia sits calmly at the back of my party, waiting for a water/ground type pokemon to turn up. When electricity fails, it’s his chance to shine.

He’s not the only relic from my younger days. In fact, I’ve kept most of them. A level 92 Swellow called Tialauuenz with preposterously low IVs. Twenty-six Zigzagoons, conceived in one game and hatched in three. Most sentimentally of all, a piece of mail, marked: “Remember me and her. Kai.”

When I got Ruby and Sapphire, I played as a female character called Alex, and a male character called Kai. After completing Sapphire, I made the decision to start again, uprooting Tialauuenz, Skeptyleia, Kombausken, Lynayonooi and his entire family of baby Zigzagoons. But I left myself a reminder- a single piece of mail, brought to Pokemon Pearl via the Pal Park.

Unfortunately, that piece of imaginary paper can travel no further in my games. Transporting items between gen IV and gen V is impossible. I can only hope they never do the same to my Skeptyleia.

An Exercise in Humiliation

This weekend, as avid pokeloons will know, is the 2013 Spring friendly. I will be competing, for reasons best known to myself. I have no idea how well I will do, but from the evidence available, my prediction is for absolute and unforgivable humiliation.

In Black 2 and White 2, a narrow selection of really quite nice pokemon are effectively lined up for your choosing. Lucario, for example, is spectacularly easy to obtain. Growlithes grow on trees. As a result, my pokemon team is fairly obvious.

Arcanine, Krookodile, Samurott, Ampharos, Lucario and, for reasons best known to myself, Unfezant. Oh, I remember now. It’s because I panic if I can’t use fly and pretty much nothing on this cartridge can.

So I’m not optimistic. I have the least imaginative team since I can’t even be bothered to make up when, and I haven’t bred anything, EV trained or any of that. I’ve not compared their stats and I’ve barely trained them evenly.

But I’m having a go. If I waited until I was actually good enough for something, I’d never do it. The whole point of this blog for me is an attempt to treat Pokemon with the same childlike enthusiasm and ineptitude I had when I was eight. I actually picked Oshawott over Tepig because I preferred the picture. I like Arcanine because he’s fluffy.

Ampharos is adorable. Lucario looks cool, and Krookodile has an awesome colour scheme. Still not sure why I have a female Unfezant, but there we go.

I’ve tried EV training. It’s dull. I’ve tried breeding. You end up with twenty level 1 Charmanders you’re never going to use.

When I was eight, I level ground my Blastoise until it could surf over everything. I used to have to stock up on elixirs and ethers before tackling the Elite Four. I may have used a Fearow once or twice, but I essentially had a one-pokemon team.

I don’t mind being rubbish at Pokemon. I have a lot of fun with it. I think genwunners can go hang because washing machine and ice cream pokemon win over toxic sludge and poison gas pokemon any day of the week.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on GBU, getting mullered.