Don’t Bank On It

Well, after an initial release date of the 27^th December, it seems like, finally, we might get a sniff of Pokemon Bank before the end of the month. Excellent. Isn’t it?

I, for one, never particularly liked the idea of Pokemon Bank. Quite aside from anything else, I’ve just had to acquire a new console to even play X and Y, and paying another fee on top of that seems a bit like bullying. However they try and play it, today in 2014, Nintendo are asking us to pay for something that, in previous titles, we got for free- the ability to move our pokemon forward a generation.

Cleverly, they’re dressing this up as a good thing. In the era of cloud-based computing, being able to store our information digitally and remotely has got to be a good thing, right? Wrong.

Cloud computing is good because it allows us to back-up our files so that we can retrieve them, at our convenience, from any location. This doesn’t work with pokemon. For a start, it isn’t a backup. That is your only copy of a prized Arceus, acquired at a toy shop four years ago and mindbogglingly rare and difficult to get hold of. You then piss that Arceus away into the internet, which nobody understands, for it to get hacked into or deleted by human error.

The FAQ section on the Pokemon Bank website does nothing to allay these fears. It merely states “please read the warnings and stipulations for using Pokémon Bank that we will announce in mid-December, and decide for yourself whether you wish to use the service.” If anyone managed to find those warnings and stipulations, please let me know, because they don’t seem to have appeared on the website.

Similarly, access to the Bank is tied to the 3DS system used to purchase it. So, not only is it vulnerable to cyber attack and catastrophic data loss from natural disasters (Japan being notorious for its tectonic stability), if you drop your DS under a train, that’s you done for.

Of course, that’s not what the Pokemon Bank website says. It says that it’s Somebody Else’s Problem, and as such, they cannot see it or acknowledge it.

Pretty much everything about Pokemon Bank gives me the heebie-jeebies. God forbid you should go into hospital the week your subscription expires, or all your pokemon may be deleted. There are also pokemon which cannot be transferred forwards; unfortunately they won’t tell us which ones they are.

The only, singular, redeeming feature of the whole disgusting idea was the 30-day free trial period. Allegedly, players who downloaded the software before the 31^st January 2014 would be able to enjoy it, cost-free, for 30 days, and see for themselves if they wanted to fork out an extra fiver a year for the privilege of losing all their oldest and dearest pokemon.

Almost a month later, and that window is closing. Although reasonable to expect a worldwide release before the end of the month, the latest estimate from the Pokemon Company still puts that date at some point in “the future”. A dire lack of more specific estimates, I’m afraid, leaves us in a jam.

I’m not bothered by the fact that Japan has access to the software before the rest of the world. That I understand. Before US plasticheese merchants Kraft went and ruined it, the UK got access to Cadbury’s chocolate first. Stuff tends to get distributed first in its country of origin, and that’s perfectly reasonable. Pretty much the only thing reasonable about Nintendo forcing its few remaining faithful between a rock and a hard place.

I hate to be a doom-and-gloom merchant, but Nintendo’s shares have dropped by 18% recently as they forecast a huge loss for 2013-14. Nobody bought the Wii U or the 3DS. They’re being propped up solely by the combined efforts of Zelda/Pokemon devotees, and even we’re growing weary.

Which brings me to the final problem with Pokemon Bank. How can we expect a long-term future of support for this product from a company who, despite having a console-centric business model, continue to produce consoles which fail to delight the masses? I, being face-blind and having no interest in hyperrealistic graphics, still enjoy Nintendo’s attempts. However, even I can see that the Wii U doesn’t have enough titles to warrant an investment. Even I can see that the 2DS would have been worth buying if only it was a clamshell (the 3DS’s continuing advantage over the PS Vita).

I know I’m supposed to be lighthearted, a little ranty, essentially just an awkward fanboy, but these things upset me. It’s like they’re trying to turn people off playing the games. And this is a shame.

I’ve tried playing other games. I enjoy Skyrim, but can’t help but feel that my follower ought to be a Luxray. I play a lot of Sims, but it can’t hold my attention the way cycling up and down past a Pokemon Day Care can.

I don’t want Pokemon Bank to be a death-knell. But, after waiting a month for absolutely nothing to happen, that’s what it feels like. I just hope I’m being melodramatic.

Update: free trial period is apparently being extended to February 21st. So on the one hand, no rush. On the other, maybe we won’t get it before the end of the month after all.

March ’13 Sitrep

Well, since claiming last summer I was to ‘start at New Bark town and finish up in Unova’ or beyond, I haven’t even started. I’ve bought a few cartridges to replace the ones I’ve lost, and lost a few to keep equilibrium with the ones I’ve bought.

I’ve come to realise that with Pokemon, I don’t really know what I’m doing yet. I doubt I ever will, as playing in geek mode seems to be quite time consuming. I’ve sampled the delights of Bulbapedia, and learnt more from it than ever sane person should ever wish to know.

So, before I start making a real effort to clean up my games and start over, here’s a rundown on my current games.

Red/Yellow/Blue- No idea where they are, and I’ve decided not to use them anyway. Might have a bit of a squee if I find Blue, but I’m fairly sure the other two are with primary school friends of mine.

Gold/Silver- Broken and lost.

Crystal- Never owned, and never saw the point. Only time I ever played it, I played as a boy anyway.

Ruby- Having sent all the decent pokemon to the Pal Park, am using it to breed Dratinis, Charmanders, Growlithes, Larvitars and Laprases. So I have many. Don’t ask me why; I’m struggling to remember.

Sapphire- No idea. Think it may be in the office of Martin & Co Swindon, but aside from that, no idea at all.

Emerald- Five badges. Trying to catch Groudon, then I can happily send it all to the Pal Park and have done with it.

FireRed- I have two, and don’t really remember why. On one, I started with Squirtle and have one badge. The other has no save file. So, I’m good to go on those.

LeafGreen- Also missing. Have defeated the Elite Four and all that jazz, and was in the process of training up to defeat my partner (who has a level 90+ Mewtwo and level 80+ Charizard, Steelix, Tyranitar, Vaporeon and something else scary and toothy). So, even if I did know where it was, I’d only use it to flail desperately in his direction.

Pearl- Completed the main quest around five years ago, about a week after I bought it. Have been playing for 140+ hours, which is slightly embarrassing. Irritatingly, I’m 16 pokemon away from completing the Pokedex, and seeing as I haven’t managed that in 12 years of playing, I’m damned if I don’t do it.

Diamond- I have seven badges, and am currently climbing up Mt Coronet to find my first Dialga, which I will instantly trade over to Pearl to help fill the pokedex. I will then carry on trying to catch the Pokemon needed on Pearl and then probably give up completely once I’ve got them.

Platinum- Also using to supplement Pearl. On four badges and embarrassingly stuck trying to get the fifth. May borrow stupidly powerful pokemon from other games to get past gym leader 5.

HeartGold- Not got Lugia and that’s about it. Currently, most pokemon are infected with Pokerus, which is nice.

SoulSilver- Actually, I’m in a position to stop this one. No badges, and I seem to have traded off all the decent pokemon.

Black- I have two, again, for no real reason. One’s nicely completed, with some lovely juicy Pokemon on it. The other one seems just to be a vessel to carry a Snivy in.

White- I have one badge, and seem to have started with Oshawott. I expect I didn’t get further because Bianca and Cheren irritate the shit out of me.

Black 2- Not got it. Happy to cross that bridge when it comes to it, to be honest. I have enough games in progress.

White 2- Only just bought, and super excited about it as it’s a squillion times better than white. Had it for two days and on course for badge number 5.

So, out of 20 games, I owned 18, 16 still work, I know where eleven are and am in a position to stop on four, two of which I have duplicate cartridges of.

In conclusion- Phase one of the Sandslach blog: Find Sapphire and LeafGreen; complete the Sinnoh Dex; start emptying Gen III cartridges.